he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
That was definitely a porn plot just waiting to develop...
i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
took out my tampon, fucked him, and put a new one back in all before he realized I was on my period. beat that one bitch.
we couldnt tell if he was gay so we started working glee quotes into the conversation to see if he noticed.
um so slept at robs. he woke up, looked at me, and said ' oh my psychiatrists are gonna have a field day with this one' I think that's when you know you can't hang out with someone anymore
I took a hang over nap infront of the door to my 9am class
That was the #1 scariest moment in my life. I have full trust in you, I let you bite my penis for god sake.
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
Randomize
