wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
I'm just trying to think of how much money Little Debbie would make if pot was legalized.
I'm so horny
I have no idea who this is, but I'm up for a lecture on self-respect
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
as he was bent over the toilet, he turned to me and said "barbarian kyle is much stronger than regular kyle" and then went right back to puking.
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
We need a shit load of segways right now
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
Really this has to stop, if they get any younger we will be breaking the law
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
Randomize
