Moan for me like Helen Keller
if i could have babies with my dog i totally would cause i know thay would be fucking hott babies.
you were calling yourself Ulickes S. Cunt.
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
just found his boxers balled up inside my tights, hidden in my freezer. damn i love college.
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
Just thought you should know I'm having a reunion tour of Athens this weekend. Minus the weird guy I was fucking last time.
Also, I saved your name as Everclear last night. No idea why I did that.
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
Can you repeat that, but with context?
‪Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best. ‬
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
Randomize
