I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
dude that girl has seen more cock ends then weekends
He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
Three Architectural classes: $990.00 Architectural supplies: $300.00 Changing majors and using my architectural supplies to roll blunts: Priceless
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
Plus i lost a button on my shirt and we got free drinks all night. Sorry I'm not sorry.
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
You walked into the frat house and screamed "whose down to fuck" i think they were more intimidated than anything
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
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