jess passed out on the pong table. it was depressing until we started singing shania twain an hour later and heard her muffled voice singing along.
He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
You are softly singing to the wall while slow dancing with it. I feel as though you should discontinue this behavior.
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
ugh i want to get waxed but I’m afraid. my vagina has had enough trauma this week, i don’t know if I can put her thru any more.
All I need is to get out and get laid
Yeah mom sounds like a good idea! Now send that message to the person it was ment for
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
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