I caved and texted him. But it's strictly drug dealing business so it doesn't count.
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
Daquari drive throughs 24 hours a day. LORD HAVE MERCY
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
Lady Gaga is doing the 1/2 time show. I hope it's gay and liberal as fuck.
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
She's throwing a party for a guy that just got out of rehab?
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Randomize
