Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
He's eating a cream cheese sandwich. He's obviously distressed.
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she got the salsa and pickles out of the fridge looked at me and said what can i make with this
I cant. There's fences everywhere and I think I have a boyfriend. Its fabulous.
All I know is that either you or I told a black guy that he looked like usher and he was sexy and that is our confession
Peeing off the roof of a motel lighting a cigar with matches and speaking fluent spanish with a chilen exchange student...how do iget into these situations?
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
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My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
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