He told me he was a psychology major, and I responded by asking him where he hid his vagina.
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
Like. There is beer on the other side of that door and 6 yards in. If he's not back in 20 minutes to let me in, I am using this tree as a battering ram.
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
No, I've only ever seen his brother's dick. So when I have lucid sex dreams, I just do a little cut and paste in my mind and stick his bro's package onto him.
I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
Because its Monday... And I'm determined to just be drunk for the rest of the semester
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
Randomize
