all i know is that they all tuched my pee cup last night.
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
When you wake up in your dorm right outside your room with the key in the door, then you will understand my pain.
TINY HANDS NOT FOR BUTTHOLES
This is going everywhere on the internet.
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
Hah no, But it might feel like water boarding to my soul
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
Do you think I shall pursue this journey to the center if the dick?
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
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