I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
I'm to the point in my high that every song eventually turns into Lady Gaga
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
I have no idea how to attract men with my personality anymore. He can't see my tits via facebook chat
Btw...pregnancy boobs are amazing. I don't recommend pregnancy in general but the boobs are good.
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
And if you ever tell anyone that I have emotions ill kill you
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
We were having sex in the gardens when the grounds keeper walked up on us. He gave me a thumbs up and walked away
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
Randomize
