So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
Spaghetti and Car Bombs, good idea or what will end up on the bar in a few minutes?
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
Dude. He drives a mini. Therefore he's a virgin
If she's steering anything, it's a religious boat of crazy. Destination: Iceberg.
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
SO AWKS THEY ARE HAVING A COUPLE FIGHT AND I JUST WANT PIZZA
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
Will you skip merrily into hell with me?
Well he offered to lick my asshole so...I'm not really worried about his interest level.
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
Randomize
