Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
The idea of snorting emergen-c actually just crossed my mind.
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
On duty sugar tits. A Marine never abandons his post to take nudi pics.
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
she sent me a picture of dilf asleep in bed with the caption "what happened last night?"
Well she got high, deleted the essay she was working on, and then ordered dominos. We all manage stress in different ways.
Never have i felt more judged than when i was throwing up in front of a hello kitty shower curtain at 5 in the morn
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
Am I the only one who saw the used condom in the driveway this morning
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
You go to class with the flu but don't go when it rains... Get your shit together
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
Question: how does one descretely ask the ice cream truck driver thats out at 10:00pm if he sells weed?
Randomize
