she was on her period so I asked if she wanted to make ass babies
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
and you're not allowed to put a penis in you if it's attached to a 26 year old who works at blockbuster
She got stuck in the front door. She never told me how or why.
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
new costume idea. paint swatches and a ball gag... I'll be 50 shades of grey.
If you're staying here tonight, you need to promise me you won't make another bonfire in the lounge room. My girl is still pissed about that.
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
Randomize
