i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
It will be too late. I will have fornicated with the enemy by then.
Before consuming her Waffle House she did a few deep breaths and cleared the table to "prepare herself for this"
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
I went to watch porn and there's already 3 Santa videos. Happy November 1st.
Fun. You missed it. Michael broke a door with his erection.
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
He was gone when I woke up. But he left skid marks on my sheets and our unopened bottle of Titos is missing
New Rule: No more sleepovers with guys we met on Reddit
Randomize
