You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
while fucking on the counter the whip cream was conveniently right next to us. i love thanksgiving
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
I just wanted to hook up with a white guy to prove that i could go back.
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
They're pole dancing on a handicap sign post.
Come down. You're the next contestant on this bowl.
I'm having mini little movies in my head. Like for example. You were talking to a blue whale with jazz man sunglasses, but not the ray charles jazz sunglass. More like sunglasses that are round. Anyway, he has a baguette and stupid french hat. And you , you had your harry potter glasses.
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
Ughhhh. Finnnneeeeee. I'll have sex with your brother. Sheesh. The things I do for you woman.
I've known you for the past two years. You never kid about biology or alcohol.
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
Randomize
