Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
you looked like a weeble wobble. everytime we thought you were going to fall you bounced back up...you're an amazing drunk
its like randi wears special contacts, but instead of colors they make her eyes say "I want cock"
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
The drug dealer had chickens in his house so I know it was good stuff.
There. Isnt. A. Single. Person. Who. Is. Not. High. At. Church.
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
True I am eskimo brothers with every one of my room mates, but it was only two girls. And 9 outta 10 times I was first
There's a point in life when you've got to take dick like a big girl.
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
Randomize
