My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
THE most awkward situation I have EVER been in
Also, I just threw up a little in my mouth and had to act like everything was totally fine.
Who did Billy Mays play for?
its easy. just sleep with a bunch of guys until one falls in love
Her life must suck. All she's got is "Miss Shamrock" WHICH SHE LOST!
Just witnessed a circumcision at clinical. i suddenly feel a sense of reconciliation over every guy who's done me dirty...
I passed out on the floor of a truck stop. Drinking binge 2011 is now over.
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
Randomize
