some kid came into the principals office and tried to explain what he was sent there for through interpretive dance.
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
That's the first time you've ever said the L word without referring to drinking or partying.
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
Yes she scared me. She had NIPPLE CLAMPS ATTACHED TO A STUN GUN.
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
I am so sorry for drunk texting you r kelly lyrics
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
Randomize
