God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
I feel great
I just peed on a car
My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
I'm about to cry with happyness at the beer that will be consumed
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
Packing up everything in the dorm. Silly bands to unused condom ratio is ridiculous.
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
Well that's the thing. He does want to take me out... To a strip club. I see this going down a very bad road but you know I'm going to go.
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
She was hammered and showed her gay best mate a pic of my cock, his response was "I fucked the wrong brother"
On a side note apparently my brother is gay
Well. I think my red tank top is jinxed. this is now the second time it's gotten jizz on it.
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
Randomize
