i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
He;s fine. He just kept saying "hurricane Gordon is coming to shore" and flexed his muscles a lot.
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
I'm confused as to why I have a picture of your boobs in response to a photo of my father
He has no idea he's waking up in slut palace tomorrow morning
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
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