So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
Best walk of shame ever. Not only did I not remember his name or the fact that we fucked, they all watched as I tried to get into 3 cars that werent mine
Oh and I threw up on myself...
And if not, hey- I've never had a restraining order before, so that will be cool
It could be our claim to fame
Done. I'll pack a cooler.
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
there is a guy passed out on top of me and i don't know what to do. help if you're awake? was anyone anyone expecting someone? maybe he found the wrong room?
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
Whatever she smells like compost and feathers.
I believe they call that patchouli.
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
you never know when your going to find a surprise from me in your bed...it keeps you on your toes.
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
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