My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
No I got myself stoned. With her bowl. She was just a casualty of the War on Sobriety.
He said to use 30 racks as chairs and then drink til we fall thru the box
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
Randomize
