non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
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i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
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New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
Free stuff before I even put his balls in my mouth like wow great start
He said that he had extra crunchy taquitos and wanted to go down on me.. I mean how could I say no?
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
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