two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
I dont even clean my room anymore .. i drunk proof it for when i come back smashed with a guy
I have tardy slips. and absent slips if you don't show up to the bar. and trust me, if you are absent there will be a saturday school. I'm teaching you how to drink tonight.
Single handedly the worst sex I've ever had just went down. Its like we both laid there after word-less thinking about the other " could they be any worse in bed" ?
Already puke and ralleyd and dressed like a bear.
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
Getting a blow job while breaking up with my gf helps cope with the pain... Kinda weird her best friend is giving me the BJ
This weekend I turned down sex to watch the Star Wars marathon... Is this growing up?
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
I'm the one who said we should take things slow. I'm also the one who forced him into the back on my car so we could have sex.
Moms passed out wet and naked in a rocking chair again....
Randomize
