Holy fuck. She looks like Vin Diesel's stuntman
Honestly, I don't care if the only reason she gave me her beer was because she was bisexual and wanted to touch my vagina. Beer is beer.
The polaroid of me taking a test-tube of Jegar out of the gay guys mouth pretty much explains my trip to Spain.
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
Sunshine is the equivalent of sprinkling whore pellets on campus.
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
I guess your brother-in-law will have his day in the sun tonight after you leave. By that, I of course, mean he's gonna suck liquor milk out your sister's tits.
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
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