im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
I'm spoon feeding myself tequila for breakfast, should we skip class today?
Guess I was throwing darts at a patrons head last night, lol! Black out
I also turned off the Anchorman DVD start menu before cause I didn't want Will Ferrel watching me lose my virginity.
No it was fine, I've just never seen that many people eat dog food
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
you made it your goal to puke in every planter around the union. you got most of them. im proud of you
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
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