Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
Hardly remember what he looks like and the man has seen me passed out spread eagle. I begin this journey with such a disadvantage.
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
I mean, with your nipple problem im surprised. #hangacoatonem
Remember that girl from my stats. class that I ran into at the bar 2 weeks ago? She literally hasn't been to class once since I told her I sit behind her.
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
I don't have time to shower before my passport photos...your cum is all over my hair...that's with me for 10 years now
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
Randomize
