i just used a pokemon card to do blow. i need an adult. now.
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
i finally watched harry potter... a tad unrealistic if you ask me... i mean a ginger kid with 2 friends?
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
You rode your bike four miles to my house. Yelled "I'm so high!" Then crashed into his car. It's a problem.
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
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