You know how I told you I don't have many naked pics? Apparently that changed last night.
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
I would just watch. I wouldn't even have a boner cuz I would do so much coke. It would just be funny.
hey watch out, they threw flour on everyone who passed out at their party last year.
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
He's an acquired taste, like S&M or those crunchy things they put in salads
Croutons?
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
my nurturing instincts told me to take his clothes off
I like the new guy, he keeps beer in the fridge.
Randomize
