I just googled the nutrition facts for a mcgriddle and yet I still want to go to mcdonalds
Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
just cheers'ed a flock of cattle as i drove past eating a burger i bought 7 hours ago. that high.
you were sat in the corner crying until someone gave you a baguette, which you then tried to feed to the duck doorstop.
I regret nothing
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
If only he'd realize the fondness I have for his genitals.
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
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