True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
So the guy sitting next to me is watching dungeons and dragons on youtube. I didnt realize you could get more pathetic than actually playing the game.
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
He filled four shots of Everclear and walked around saying "FREE VODKA SHOTS". he is to blame.
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
Can't believe we're making vacation plans with the guy we had a threesome with
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
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