whoever gets the blood i just donated is getting a shit ton of free thc
Currently looking for a new liver on ebay. Struggle.
you kept searching pizza on facebook and becoming a fan of each page dedicated to it
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
Well hello freshman 15, didn't see you there until I tried on last years summer clothes.
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
You just kept yelling GET YOUR SKATES ON, BITCHES. WE'RE GOING STREAKING.
Randomize
