You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
apparently they wrote a song entitled "butt slut" about her... im thinking shes not girlfriend material.
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
Way to go. Now you have no beer and I have a cold tit.
It's acceptable to bring him back to my parents house and fuck on the couch right??
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
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