It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
Spent the entire ride home from downtown trying to convince designated dawgs to drop us off at waffle house instead of our apartment. i told them it was my house...they didn't buy it.
Sex tent. say it aloud its amazing. promise you we rnt stoned.
if you really don't think our country's going to shit think of this. Exactly one year from now I will either be in law school or teaching young, impressionable kids, maybe even yours. Try to sleep after that.
should i go to class, or party with a mariachi band?
meriachi band is very tempting, do they have dos equis?
The van in front of me contains people having SEX. I am in full view of a SEX VAN.
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
i've now hooked up with two guys who have tattoos of their sister's names...so that's a reality i have to live with...
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
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