i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
Dude she was 62...with a boob job. And I'm proud to say I made out with that.
Just blew a perc off the traytable on my flight, spring break has begun!!
then he tried to tell me how many times he had seen Scott's dick. his estimate was about 180 times. he thought I didn't understand.
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
Well it's 2pm. Time for another game of "Who, What, Where". The game where you try to guess who this girl is, what happened last night, and where'd your shit go. I'm going for 1/3 today.
That's better than I've done so far.
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
He's super sweet. I feel like I'm dating Elmo. If Elmo had a 7 incher
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
just so you know they found you begging for money at the L station. What the fuck did you drink last night?
My neck is sore from all the headbanging. And I can't tell the difference between the jello stains and cum stains.
Randomize
