Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
We were chasing that deer in the quad and next thing I remember I woke up in my RAs bed. I'm probably in trouble.
I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
This guy just showed us his webbed feet to prove that his son was actually his son
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
It wasn't really sex. It was just rolling around, trying to make sure his dick didn't end up in my ass.
So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses..
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
I woke up naked with a Jason mask on and a fat lip. What happened last night?
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
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