Do you still have your period?
the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
Remember that amazing deer? You peed next to that dear..
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
So he's compensating for a really small penis. Either that or he's a drug lord.
Is it a bad thing that I've made out with everybody I work with?
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
Is a coke binge Whole30 approved?
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
Randomize
