I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
wouldn't it be funny if when girls shaved their vaginas, they gave them sideburns?
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
i think you walked me home, then i felt bad for putting you through the trouble so i walked you home...i'm not sure how i got home after that.
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
I'm pretty sure we organized our beer pong teams according to who's been circumsized...
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
He sent me a pic stitch collage of all the tit pics I had sexted him this month. It was so sweet!
He and his ex stood there talking about going to get Chinese food while I was half naked searching for my panties
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
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