He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
the line for where the wild things are looks like radiohead had sex with an urban outfitters
Thats my favorite, when ex girlfriends become XL ex girlfriends
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
I had a dream last night where I used the marginal product rule to figure out how much more hangover I got per sip of four loko, econ is taking over my life...
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
Not too bad but came home early cuz business was shut down due to an employee sexually harrassing the inspector
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
He's really cute...He stopped talking to me because i pulled my skirt up and peed in a demi plie position...
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
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