Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
Dude with the Beatles haircut just got his pilots license and wants to take us up to do a case race mid flight. Don't tell me networking is unnecessary.
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
You were crying and asking his mom "why doesn't he like road head?"
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
I don't understand how 5 bottles of booze became normal or acceptable per 2.5 people
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
He went down on me while I was on the phone with my grandma.
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
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