I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
At this point it has been so long i wouldnt know what a dick was if it slapped me in the face.
Pass out mid-funnel last night.
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
either i huffed spraypaint or ate out that makeup artist. you decide.
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
I feel like I was playing penis roulette last night nd I landed on the wrong one.
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
Randomize
