you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
Just saw an Asian kid crash into the bike rack with his bike. I love sitting outside the engineering building.
his dick is like his red hair, amazing but useless
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
I hate him and his pretentious your-sleeping-in-the-wet-spot look.
Thank you contacting dial-a-boner. Currently, our boner is on a run to service another client. You can either wait 2 hours for service, or share concurrent service with the current client.
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
I thought my sex drive was gone but let me tell you it is back with a vengeance
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
My boobs smell like weed again. This happens way too often.
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
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