So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
it sounds like her vocal chords are covered in pudding and rocks. come get me.
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
I haven't even gone in yet. I'm sitting in the waiting room playing a game i like to call "Who else is here for AA".
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
It was her first time with a girl so I put on my tegan and Sara playlist to really get the full experience.
I'm just concerned it's gonna end up in my vagina again
YOU GOT KINKY WEIRD ICE CREAM HEAD ON FRIDAY DONT EVEN COMPLAIN.
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
He got hit with a horseshoe, set on fire, fell out of a tree, and puked all over the side of his car, all before midnight. Everclear.
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
Randomize
