Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
He told me since I'm into organics I should know his meat is known locally for its quality and hes hand raised it since age 13.
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
why the hell did we go to a rave last night?
we didn't?
definitely went to a bar with strobe lights
JENNIFER. You passed out in a toilet with a color changing light in it.
I want to be her friend more than I want to fuck her boyfriend.
So apparently I’m into choking now
she passed out standing next to the car. her head hit the door so hard the alarm went off. she instantly snapped out of it and started sprinting away
Sorry you saw my balls. Pregame includes a lot of shaving.
Randomize
