god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
you were sleeping on the floor, then you woke up and told me you were not comfy enough. You took the carpet in the bathroom put it in the bath and you slept there.
she's a gynecology student. i don't know if my dick's ready for that kind of pressure.
...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
probably one of the worst weekends ever... i got peed on by his sleepwalking roommate.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
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