RAWRRRR IMA PURPLE DINO
dude i'm sitting right next to you.. stop texting me
I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
if you didn' use the plastic sword on the cop. maybe this wouldn't have happened.
I WILL BE THE BEST FICTITIONAL HISTORICAL FIGURE FOR THE FEMENIST MOVEMENT THE WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
New Mean Girls drinking game: Everytime someone says Africa or Math, chug.
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
well at least you got laid last nighT. I woke up on a pile of laundry
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
i am risking my non lesbian vagina for your needs. i better be the best friend you ever had
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
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