if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
you know how i said i wouldn't send that pic message of your lofted bed falling from you fucking a fat chick? that was after i sent it to your mom
Farmville is her only friend.
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
Probably shouldn't have worn my jeans covered in blood from last night to class.
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
YOU'RE CHANGING THE SUBJECT. I CAN BLOW SOMETHING UP OR I CAN TELL HIM YOU LOVE HIM, BUT ONE OF THE TWO IS BOUND TO HAPPEN
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
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