I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
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