There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
He should be on Bizare Foods after who he ate last night
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
After he was done he gave me a case of landshark and tickets to tomorrows yankee game. This is the best nonrelationship ever
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
I gotta say, I do way better with the ladies than I do the men. So if it turns out being gay is a choice, then I'm going to go ahead and choose it.
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
IM WEARING A FLAG
So that's a no to the clothes then
FLAG
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
I think he just shit his pants. Yep he did. That's unfortunate.
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
Randomize
