I can feel you judging me through the phone.
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
dizzyuy bat. 3.453 lkos. hoit sx, now im single. blackouteed
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
i think smoking weed in a ladies bathroom on the beach with two dudes might be the shadiest thing ive done in a while
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
I'm not trying to analyze you I'm just saying you are being unfair to soup
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
Randomize
