I totally ignored my nose and drank sour milk this morning. The tupid carton said 4/22/09. i puked everywhere..
I wish I only lived at night.
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
I need a beard to bite.
I think I’ve been affected by his dad mustache. I wanna ride it.
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
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