The jonas brothers playing in your laptop. This is why guys won't sleep with you...
Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
It's American, baby! There ain't nothin gross about America.
in spanish class. the girl next to me asked what Galapagos were. i told her they were islands. now she thinks Galapagos means islands in spanish
Got 6 blowjobs in one weekend... new personal best.
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
I never thought I'd say this but my vagina is taking a serious break for awhile
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
Get your penis over here NOW. emergency
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
I woke wondering who the hell was in my bed. Then i felt boobs and remembered Haha. Thirsty Thursday killed my liver and my homosexuality
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
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