The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
I just saw a commercial for "tickle me elmo hands" and I am almost 100 percent sure that at the end elmo said "yeaaaaa boooyyyyyy"
You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
Please get rnbert tn get chebk h'm in i'm no dead when he getr gome
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
How many weight watcher activity points do you think sex is worth?
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize
