I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
obama could have borrowed sotomayor's dick when he threw out that that first pitch like a girl last night
shit I'm tired of wearing other peoples clothes to bed
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
its kind of scaring me that i am turned on by tom cruise in rock of ages
i'm sad to say... seems like women around here set up their armageddon booty calls ahead of time. wanna fill all these condoms with tequila and head downtown???
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
you ever just feel like an organ is failing?
The man sent me a video of him doing the helicopter, the least I can do is go visit him in the hospital
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
Randomize
